Today is my moms birthday. She would have been 71 this year. WOW. Weird. I lost
her at age 54 (her age, not mine). I never saw her dye her hair to cover the grey or lose her
teeth or get older. I can't imagine what she would look like today. So odd to
think about. I always say I want her back, but I want her back before she became
the dependant alcoholic that she was. I want the person I remember as a young
child. The mom who baked cookies and sewed amazing clothes.
The teacher that I loved watching in action. The creativeness, the giggles, the
silly smart lady. That is who I want back. These are the absolute best memories.
There are more good memories than bad memories. I find them so hard to write
down. Even the joyful ones.
Better Memory: When she turned 50, I bought her an outfit. She was feeling
depressed because she didn't want to be fifty. (still don't know why) So I gave
her present early to her the morning before. She was very surprised. And then
she was like, wow, cool. The pants didn't fit. So my stepdad told her to
call in to work, take the day off and he would take her out for lunch and shopping. He
took her to the store, returned the slacks and got her a beautiful skirt and the silk top I
bought her. (this was the outfit she was later buried in four years later) It cheered her up.
She got to wear her new outfit on her real birthday the next day and she was happier.
My very last memory of her is too sad to share. I was so blind to her addiction.
My stepdad was her cover. He was trying to keep it all together all by himself
and trying to make sure she could still function on a daily basis. (hence the
name: functioning alcoholic)
17 years without her and this year I am missing her so much. Why? maybe because
my husband and kids never got to meet her. Maybe because I see my stepfather
still grieve over her. Maybe because my brother, in some way died with her, at
least a piece of him is gone that I will never see again.
This is Girl Schmuck signing off.