Recently I have had to color my hair. I have had one cute little gray hair since I turned 39 and it was all by itself. It was precious. I was living in acceptance. Then Precious (the gray hair) got the idea to invite her friends over after I got the scare of my life.
Here is the true story of the Fool and the Burglar.
I came in the house the other morning from dropping kids off at school. I live in a tri-level home with lots of stairs. So I came up the first set of stairs from the garage and family room up to the kitchen, office, living room, den (main floor). I set my purse down, standing there a moment, when all of a sudden I hear....
from the third level, where the all bedrooms are....and the safe....with the gun...which I can't shoot....
"FWAP FWAP FWAP, Bungada Bungada Boom."
I was listening to a burglar upstairs tripping over something to get out of the house, and there is only one way out. DOWN the stairs past ME.
Then all goes quiet. Do I run? Do I reach for my cell phone? Do I wipe the pee off the floor that is puddling at my feet? IF I run, will he chase me? (why do I assume its a HE? ) Do I run in a zig zag pattern? Holy Crap, I was frozen. I could not move. I just stood there listening. Then all a sudden.. "Fwap, Fwap, Fwap". The noise starts again.
OMG, WHAT THE HELL DO I DO? A second time the noise stops.
Did he hear me come in? Why didn't he make his escape when he heard the garage door open? Is he planning my immediate gory death? Is he listening for me to make a 911 phone call? Why can't I move? Why didn't I stay in karate?
"FWap, Fwap, Bungada Bungada BLat"
I take one step forward (in socks) very quietly. I take another step and another. I ease to the base of the stairs that go up which is also the top of the first set of stairs to go down. I haven't decided to run just yet for some dumb fool reason.
"Bungada Bungada Bungada, Fwap Fwap Fwap" What the heck is he doing up there? The tiny window? Is he trying to escape out of the tiny window onto the roof? He is using the bookcase for something... maybe. I watch way to much CSI Miami, CSI New York and CSI Las Vegas.
The noise starts and again stops. Stupid criminal and he is in my house.
Somehow my feet move forward and I climb the stairs.... without a cell phone. Without a knife, Without a baseball bat I continue to move and get to the top of the stairs and suddenly the noise happens again but now its louder and coming from around the corner, down the hall, in the spare bedroom. My heart is beating so hard. I have visions of the crime lab people making their rounds in my house as they collect evidence and discussions of who was the stupid one when she heard a noise in the house. I stop at the top of the stairs and listen again. I think If I heard heavy breathing or talking I would have FLEW out the house. But I just stand around listening. Apparently in my former life, I wore hats and shoes with bells and funny patterned outfits... Just call me the fool.
"bunkada, bunkada bunkada plat screeecshhhh"
Wait ... that was the same noise... That is one clumsy burglar. What the heck is going on?
I continue to move down the hall. The noise repeats in the same sound pattern, from the same place and the same durations... can't be the cat. I don't have a cat. The dog would be barking... where is the dog.. oh no,... the dog.. He sprouted feathers and was down the hall, in another room, under the bed where I should have been. And I should have been there 10 mins ago with my cell phone.
"Blantpaf, Blantfatt, poppada...pang."
I stood there thinking I am going to find a crazy person in our spare room break dancing against the walls and who is going to blow my head off and I am about to stick my head in the doorway conviently for his target practice... Just call me the fool. (I know that was one long run-on sentence but I am reliving the intensity of the moment and just go with it ok)
Finally I work up the courage, peek inside the spare room and there is my noisy burglar....
A helium balloon getting battered by the ceiling fan... Stupid criminal.
I dyed my hair that night. The helium balloon is so dead. I beat it to death. Helium balloons have been banned from my home. This is Girl Schmuck signing off.