I struggled with prayer in my life. I felt awkward saying prayers out loud. I felt my words were not eloquent enough. The more I just did it, saying prayers, it just became easier for me.
Now I find myself struggling with writing. I keep doing it. I keep writing. I am pushed. I am pulled to the writing instruments in my life. I must have it all down, in written form. I need to read my own words. I also I must share my words. I am writing with a new purpose now.
I started writing when my mom died in 1994. I could barely write. I would write things like: "got up, made coffee". Somehow I just kept writing. I filled notebook after notebook of daily ramblings, observations and tons of written prayers. I wrote about conversations I had with others. I wrote about making a recipe. I wrote about dropping out of school, starting Al Anon and getting through that first year without mom.
I don't write about my mom anymore because I don't need to. I don't need to write about all the pain and hurt anymore. I got it all out on paper. I turned it over to God.
My purpose for writing now? This morning I thought I had the answer. That was this morning. Right now I have a different answer. In the shower tonight I might have a different answer. The answer might be its not just one reason. I write to clear my mind and allow my soul have a voice. I write to connect with others in a similar situation. I write to inform and educate. I write to laugh and remember accounts in my life. I think I may also write for God. That was the new "ah ha" I had this morning.
I have always written to God. But the new idea is that I might be writing for God. I say "might" because I didn't get a burning bush, I got a gentle breeze across my face. I didn't hear God call my name. Instead my spirit soars and guides and leads and pushes and doesn't allow me to put down the pen.
Recently my friend Patrick said to me in an email, "By all means, do what you are called to do". I had to go back and see if I had used the words "called". I had. I told him I was called to pray. Its been bugging me ever since. Why do I struggle with being called to do something?
For me, writing is far less scary than prayer. I don't have the slightest idea why. I have shared several written prayers with others. Maybe I had to learn to pray out loud first, and now God is teaching me how to write prayer, and to be able to share those prayers? UH OH..... I can't believe I just wrote those words. What if? wow. Ok, I am freaking out a bit here. I need to go talk to God now.
This is Girl Schmuck signing off.